“I’m starting to believe the ocean’s much like you, cause it gives and it takes away”. — Open Water, by Thrice
I have no idea what faith is. I can look it up on dicitonary.com, look for wisdom from my pastor, read what Paul says in his letters. But I question whether I’ve ever experienced it. I also question whether it is an experience. Sometimes I think that God needs to strip us of everything we cling to, every emotional and mental comfort, to be able to even begin to build this idea of faith into us. I never had faith in God or even a spiritual realm as a kid, I was only raised in a sheltered environment and community in which these ideas were held up as truth. It’s human nature to desire companionship and affirmation, and I naturally latched unto these ideas that I was raised on. What would have happened if I didn’t? Thankfully, my loving parents would have still accepted me, but beyond this I don’t have any idea. So when life really began, so to speak, and I began to make wrong choices that shook my core, what happened? I lost direction. Fear of rejection prevented me from sharing doubts and personal problems with close friends and mentors.
But I can’t dwell on my own story. I know these experiences are shared by other people, and if anyone is to move on, they must look oustide themselves. God has thankfully been prodding me to do this for the past 2 years or so, and slowly he’s changing me.
But what is faith? A relationship with a divine being can’y be solely based on vague notions and hypothetical ideas. We need to experience this relationship the same way we experience every other relationship in life; through human interaction of emotion, cognition and sense. God can’t touch our lives if he can’t touch these forms of communication. So what am I doing wrong that I don’t feel God’s presence? Where does faith play into this? Is faith trully blind in that I have to ignore these forms of human interaction to know God? Could faith be something deeper? What is it?
I’m obviously not trying to make any specific point here. I’m only wrestling with ideas, trying to organize things that’ve been bothering me.
